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 Post subject: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2014 2:05 pm 
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Location: England
Comedian and actor Tim Vine won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year. He specialises in one-liners such as those below;
Quote:

‘I decided to sell my Hoover, well it was just collecting dust.’


‘I went to the doctor’s. I said: “Whenever I pass from one country to another, I have to get drunk.” He said: “You’re a borderline alcoholic.” ‘

‘I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said; “I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.” He said: “Have to love Easter, baby.” ‘

‘Exit signs? They’re on the way out!’

‘Velcro? What a rip-off!’

‘Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.’

‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’


‘I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought: “I can’t turn that down.”

‘Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.’


‘I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.’

‘So I rang up British Telecom and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you again.” ‘


‘Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.’

‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.” ‘


‘A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.’

‘I wanted to be a milkman, but I didn’t have the bottle.’


‘I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He asked: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” ‘

‘I rang up my local swimming pool, I said; “Is that the local swimming pool?” He replied; “It depends where you’re coming from.” ‘

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00dFzPbzOws


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 12:24 am 
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Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:05 pm
Posts: 2707
How DOES he think them up???


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 1:11 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2012 3:06 pm
Posts: 452
Seeing these clever one-liners has jogged my memory that I used to enjoy writing one-liners (or maybe more) as well. Not as good as those though.


Last edited by Marian on Wed Aug 27, 2014 10:46 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 7:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:47 am
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Location: Dog House
Those one liners are brilliant :lol:

_________________
Lets be careful out there !


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 1:50 pm 
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Posts: 452
..


Last edited by Marian on Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:38 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 2:37 pm 
Another Vine gem

''Walked into the pub last night and my mates said, we were just talking about you''
''You discussed me!!''


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:26 pm 
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Posts: 2707
I just wish I could remember all these!


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:01 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2012 3:06 pm
Posts: 452
I wrote a songwriting article which was published in a magazine which had a lot of members, famous and not so well-known. I was surprised, but obviously pleased, when favorable comments were made about it. The title, which was a bit like a one liner caused special amusement.
Some time later, I heard a very famous person in the music-business making a speech and he made the same 'joke'. It received applause and laughter from the audience. It does seem like a nice compliment if it had been remembered. :-)


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 5:57 pm 
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Posts: 64
Are you going to tell us what the joke was?


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 Post subject: Re: Tim Vine
PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 11:58 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2012 3:06 pm
Posts: 452
I am going to try to find the magazine with the article in it. To me, it was more a 'play on words' rather than a joke which was why I put it in inverted commas when I mentioned if before. Out of context it would very likely go down like a lead balloon. :-)


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