Comedian and actor Tim Vine won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year. He specialises in one-liners such as those below;
Quote:
‘I decided to sell my Hoover, well it was just collecting dust.’
‘I went to the doctor’s. I said: “Whenever I pass from one country to another, I have to get drunk.” He said: “You’re a borderline alcoholic.” ‘
‘I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said; “I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.” He said: “Have to love Easter, baby.” ‘
‘Exit signs? They’re on the way out!’
‘Velcro? What a rip-off!’
‘Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.’
‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
‘I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought: “I can’t turn that down.”
‘Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.’
‘I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.’
‘So I rang up British Telecom and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you again.” ‘
‘Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.’
‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.” ‘
‘A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.’
‘I wanted to be a milkman, but I didn’t have the bottle.’
‘I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He asked: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” ‘
‘I rang up my local swimming pool, I said; “Is that the local swimming pool?” He replied; “It depends where you’re coming from.” ‘
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00dFzPbzOws